My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”