This might be the funniest tweet ever
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
even bears disappoint their mothers
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.