this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm