This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
$4 #usedbooks
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon