It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.