Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)