@werna_: This never gets old
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@david8hughes: [donating blood] Nurse: you're looking faint. Can I get you a drink? Me: no thanks, I've just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
@Donna_McCoy: My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
@IAmKashWah: Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes? Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me? Adam Levine: Practice.
@Anon_o_Mom: My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.