I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Batman v Dracula
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.