Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.