This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
*launders Kohls cash*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
was Jim off killing horses or…