Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Breaking news:
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.