This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
This makes total sense…
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
this came to me in a vision
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
me after eating Cheetos
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.