This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
This story is comedy gold 😂
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead