Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.