In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone