This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”