This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—