This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Not recommended for beginners.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’M CRYINGGG
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.