Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
hackers play passwordle
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.