Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.