@WillSaysStuff: This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!
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@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
@Matt_the_1st: Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.
@zakagan: Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED? Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
@MartaEffing: *sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*