@itsalishababyy: This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear... I'm just fat.
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@mattZillaaaa: "911, what is your emergency?" Yes I can't hear my television "Sir, this is not an emer-" Someone keeps screaming "HELP ME!!" next door
@LoriLuvsShoes: A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her"if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly"
@xLiserx: The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
@LostFelicia: Him: You're on a diet. Why buy all this candy? Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.