This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Basketball
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking