“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.