every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Muppet Screams
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Brilliant!
Simple enough.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner