This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The Punning Dead.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.