This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You Might Also Like
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.