This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.