“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You Might Also Like
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my first dose meeting my second
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.