@LoneWolfStories: This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I'm invading its privacy.
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@BuckyIsotope: All the toys under the tree Have now gone completely missing You’ve been hit by You’ve been struck by Reverse Santa Claus
@MableGertrude: If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.
@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"
@mompsychologist: Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car. Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.