“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
next question.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things