picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are