This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“no gods no masters” = leo
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
tinder is all about the long game
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.