@ConanOBrien: This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@NotJPo: Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.
@wickedsuga: If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
@LifeStricken: [Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"