This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…