@ConanOBrien: This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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@ShesARealGenius: Me: "I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he's the only one with glasses?" Librarian: "Just pay your fine, Ma'am."
@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
@slimmy_shady: Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.