“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
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Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
i think we should see other cousins
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.