This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
📽️movie date🎞️
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
War & Peace
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*lint rolls you awake*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude