This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
screw you
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”