The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.