This is me 🤣🤣
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nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!