@LeannaZaiden: This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.
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@GrantTanaka: black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
@NotthatAdamWest: The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
@Fred_Delicious: 9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn't vote for himself