@LeannaZaiden: This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.
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@ohpegah: [playing with a Ouija board with my dog] Board: B A L L Me: I know that's you moving it! Stop! Board: T R E A T S
@caaataclysm: Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don't judge ME because YOU didn't get laid last night.
@jonnysun: if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like "yo why did u kill that kid"
@UGotMeRight: I think I'll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.