[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.