This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
FINE, I WON’T.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do