This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
What if all the cashiers are married?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Oh hi lol
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.