This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.