My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”