[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.