@michelleisawolf: This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
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@Awk0Tacoo: I can't get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
@MikeRevenaugh: Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say "You silly goose."
@TheRolo: Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"
@shadonium: Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*