A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this