Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
R.I.P.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
road rage
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.