This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.