This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”