I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
You Might Also Like
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Spider-cat: No One Home
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
you stereotypes are all alike
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.