@BreadFoster: This year for Lent, I'm just giving up.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.” Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
@MelKassel: GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
@Book_Krazy: [arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh
@krishna_van: I don't always say 'oops', but when I do, it's usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.