@BreadFoster: This year for Lent, I'm just giving up.
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@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
@TheDailySchmuck: I'm black but not " can't understand the Winter Olympics" black. Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
@Dana_Bruno: Wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. How's your night going?!
@BCMontgo: Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues! I'll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon* Surgeon: You should be asleep.