@BreadFoster: This year for Lent, I'm just giving up.
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@ElgatoEsmio: If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"
@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.
@nagunnatelya: Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...
@FloodyHippie: I hate when I'm checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.