this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan