BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”