@TheTweetOfGod: This year's Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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@TheCatWhisprer: My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
@JermHimselfish: My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
@AmandaDuberman: Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.