@TheTweetOfGod: This year's Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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@realHamOnWry: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
@aldenskii: *in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me:
@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
@cluedont: If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.