This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain